Saturday, June 11, 2011

This post has nothing to do with my writing.

Or any writing. It is about...FASHION. Run away screaming now.

Yeah, I'm kind of a nerdo for fashion. This started around 2008, when, out of sheer boredom, I turned on What Not To Wear. I was vaguely curious about this show because my aerobics instructor claimed she looked exactly like Stacy London, to the point that people frequently asked her -- like, every day -- if she was Stacy London. After hearing this multiple times, I finally became curious enough to watch the show. And what do you know! Stacy London could be my aerobics instructor's evil twin! Pretty cool.

As it happened, on the day I tuned in the woman who needed wardrobe help had a body shape just like mine: very curvy hourglass figure with a large bust and round hips with a comparatively small waist. I'd always thought that because I have Marilyn Monroe measurements I must have looked good. But to my horror, the terrible wardrobe the woman on the show was going through (and it was terrible!) could have been pulled from my own closet. I was astounded at how frumpy and depressed the wrong clothes made that girl look -- and realized quickly that I must look the same, because holy crap, all my clothes were just like that. Ew!

I took careful mental notes on that episode, and thus began my interest in clothes. Is it sad or awesome that I made it to the age of 28 without giving a shit about clothes? I will leave that to you to decide. I am still up in the air about this myself. Some days I am embarrassed and bummed out that I went through my 20s looking like I fell off a turnip truck wearing a gunny sack, when I could have been rocking my Marilyn bod. Some days I am glad I just did my thing. But ALL days since I awakened to the weird and wonderful world of fashion, I have been glad that I did awaken. Since I started caring about how I dress, I have felt immeasurably better about myself, and that added confidence has shown in real, measurable gains in my life. Seriously. I know it sounds like a stupid line from a Bravo show, but dressing right can change your life. (If you are lucky enough to have a relatively comfortable life, in which you don't need to worry that you are about to be homeless...or are homeless...etc. I mention this because I have lived in total poverty before, and I know that life could be worse than wearing crummy clothes.)


I got way interested in clothes. I became fascinated by the fashion industry. I started following runway shows online to see what designers were coming out with. I learned what shirred means, what an empire waist is (and why I shouldn't wear one), I learned what modal is. I figured out exactly how to dress my body to its best advantage, which was a fun and entertaining learning curve.

Then I watched in horror as TERRIBLE TRENDS came down the runway and stuck. Trends like skinny jeans. Short-hem shirts. Front ruffle embellishment. Those hideous big-shouldered 80s tops. Basically, everything that looks HIDEOUS on me flooded stores, and it became impossible to find any new garment that I could wear. Then, the color palettes became revolting for my complexion, and the situation only got worse.

I smoldered for almost two years, hating fashion all over again, while unwearable trend after unwearable trend filled up stores and crowded out all the stuff that would actually look nice on my body. I lurked in upscale consignment shops, hoping for a rare treasure in my size in a color that would work. Oh, the rage! Oh, the gnashing of teeth! Oh, the skinny jeans!

But this season, it seems the tables have turned. Yes, my friends. I came back from a sale at Anthropologie with something I've been dying to add to my wardrobe for two years: trouser-cut pants with a very high waist and a wide waistband. OH YEAH. Libbie is in the house. After that long miserable stretch of skinny jeans and 80s shoulders and embellishments that make me look like I'm five months pregnant, MY HOUR HAS COME AT LAST. All the Marilyn-looking ladies say HEEEYYYY, because now OUR ASSES WILL LOOK TOTALLY FINE IN THE LATEST TREND: HIGH-WAISTED TROUSERS. Yeah, high waist, suckers. All you girls who had your fun with the skinny jeans, if you try on these pants they will make you look like a soccer mom. Make way for my totally delicious can in my amazing Anthropologie sexpants which were 40% off. Now it's your turn to rage at the uncaring fashion gods because the hot trend will make you look like a hot mess. THE DAY OF THE SIZE 12S AND 14S IS AT HAND. Start your jealousy engines! Rev them all you like! You will never catch up to my fly butt in its high-waisted trousers!


Summer of 2011 must be my time. This must be an omen. Maybe I'll even sell Baptism this year. THE HIGH-WAISTED TROUSERS HAVE SPOKEN. THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER, 'CAUSE THAT'S ALL THE WORLD IS.

(I am also having a tailor make a high-waisted knee-length pencil skirt for me, because I can't find one anywhere in stores.)

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